I knew I wanted you the moment I knew I wanted to be a mother.
After having your brothers I felt I was ‘okay’ being a boy mom and I was, for a while anyway…
I tried to tell myself (and your father) that I was done having kids but your father knew I wanted a girl probably more than I did at the time.
It wasn’t that your brothers weren’t enough because they were, it was more that over the years I watched as your brothers grew to be much like your dad and I envied that.
I was proud to have my boys turn out like their dad because he is amazing in every single way.
But, I wanted that too.
I wanted a little mini-me I could teach things.
I wanted to have that mother-daughter bond so many talk about.
Sure, it was a 50/50 chance we’d have you – a daughter instead of another boy but the universe knew how much I wanted you.
And now that you’re here, I fear I am not enough.
I fear I am not enough of a woman to teach you how to be one.
I fear my insecurities will become your own.
I fear my lack of knowledge will inhibit you from growing into a bright woman one day.
I fear my mistakes will follow you for the rest of your life.
I fear that I won’t be strong enough to protect you from the world.
I fear that our relationship one day will be broken just like the many mother-daughter relationships are in our family.
I fear it ALL.
And maybe this is normal?
Maybe I am supposed to feel pressured because maybe, just maybe, that is what makes me be a better mom to you.
Maybe it’s one of the many tests in life.
Or maybe, my fears are unjustified.
I don’t have all the answers and I know I will make mistakes raising you. That’s a given.
But I want you to know that I am sorry for all the fears, doubts and insecurities I have in myself.
I am sorry for the mistakes that are yet to come.
But I can promise you one thing, I will always do my best.
I will always show you the amount of love you deserve.
I will always listen.
I will always have your back.
I will always do my best to raise daughter filled with dreams, and even better, one that accomplishes them.
As I sit here wondering how to just do your hair in a cute and girly way (when I can’t even do my own), I’ll try to pull myself together so I can be the mom you look up to one day.
A role model you are proud of.
My dear sweet girl, you are more than I could have ever wanted in a daughter and I am grateful your father never let me give up on my dreams of having you.
I love you
~ Your Mom